Not so perfect
by shortevilpixie
Summary: Can half vamps get drunk?  Includes Jacob, vodka, crazy texting and who is April Newton? Lots of Emmett in the last two chapters.  Rated T because of swearing in later chapters. Last chapter is parody. The rest is serious.
1. Short dresses and wolf whistling

**Title - Not so perfect.**

**Disclaimer - I do not own Twilight. That honour goes to Stephanie Meyer. I just own the plot and Renesmee's personality... Oh and I also own Jacob Black.**

**Note - Nessie is 10 and looks 18.**

**Inspired by - I need you now and I run to you by Lady Antebellum.**

****

I tried to tug down my frilly light pink dress as I started walking down the stairs.

Dad growled at my choice of dress.

Okay, so mabye it was a bit short, well _very _short, but aunt Alice forced me to wear it. Much to my protests.

I glanced at my boyfriend. Jacob. He didn't look verry happy about this situation. I was going to April Newtons eighteenth birthday party, she assured me that there would be no alcohol or guys there, but her parents weren't going to be there, which made my parents, and Jacob uneasy.

"Daddy," I scolded, knowing what he was thinking by the look on his face as I stopped at the bottom of the stairs. "You promised not to spy".

Dad was about to open him mouth to reply, but mom interuppted him. "Don't worry Ness, I'll keep him busy" she winked at me.

"Ew, mom I don't want to know" I shuddered, taking a step back.

My mom let out her trinkling laugh.

****

I was sitting on the step inside the main house making small talk with Jake when I heard the sound of the horn on my best friends, Meg's, car.

We jumped up on our feet and I tucked my phone into the near invisible pocket in the skirt of my dress and turned around to kiss Jacob.

Mom and dad had left to go to the cottage ten minutes ago, and I was glad. I could kiss Jake however I wanted. I smiled at his uneasy expression and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck and standing on my tippie toes before attacking his lips with mine.

"Nessie" he said through nibbling my top lip, "you'd better not do this with any other guy tonight, coz I'll know" he now said with a smirk, " you'll taste different".

I claimed my lip back and looked at him, giving him one of those ' would I ever ' looks.

"Of course not" he said, smirking.

I heard another impatient beep coming frome outside.

I sighed and smiled at Jacob. "I love you" I told him, opening the door and stepping out into the night.

"Ness" I heard Jacob say.

"Yeah" I said, poking my face back around the door.

"I love you" he sighed, "and please be careful".

I smiled and replied "t'aime plus chien" ***** before shutting the door and running over to Meg's old style yellow mini cooper.

****

"You really love him" my blonde haired friend remarked.

I looked at her confused.

"What makes you say that?" I asked her. I'd told her hundreds of times that I love him.

"When you were saying goodbye", she answered. "The way he looks at you, the way you look at him". She smiled at me as we pulled into April's driveway, "the lip nibbling".

I blushed and turned my head to look out the window.

Ther were twinkling blue and white fairy lights all over the outside of the house, I could see more twinkling lights through the windows and I could hear balloons popping so I guessed there were lots inside, blue and white probably. But the decorating was no-where as pretty or extravigant as what aunt Alice could do. I also noticed lots of guys hanging around outside, and heard lots of hooting and shouting coming from inside. I guessed they were the ones popping the balloons.

Oh well I thought to myself as Meg and I got out of the car, what Jake doesn't know won't kill him. Even though I knew he would find out by next week. Anyway, it wasn't like I was going to be drinking, I'd never ever had any alcohol, except if you count the time I pigged out on brandy snaps at christmas.

I had no idea how it affected me too, and I didn't want to find out.

Someone wolf whistled at me. I could break his nose with a snap of my fingers, but then I realised he hadn't whistled at me, he'd whistled at Meg. She was wearing a short strapless neon orange dress, and was glaring at the guy.

"Guys are such _dogs_" she spat.

I had to stifle a snort and press my lips together before a giggle escaped my mouth.

"You have no idea" I replied, trying to keep a straight face.

****

"April!" I exclaimed as I finally found her and headed over to her to hug her with one arm, my other hand was occupied with with holding my third sprite; okay, so I was obbsessed with sprite.

"Hey Nessie" she grinned, hugging me back, also with one arm.

Then I noticed what her olive hand was gripping onto.

Oh god. I swore under my breath.

I looked straight into the eyes of the _'dog' _ that whistled at Meg.

He winked at me and started eyeing me up.

I put on a brave face and directed my vision back to April.

"I'm glad I came" I smiled.

"Well I'm glad you came" she replied, squeezing _his_ hand.

"Who's this?" I asked, taking my oppourtunity.

"This", she said with a sparkle in her eyes, "is Scott, my boyfriend."

Seeing that sparkle in her eyes, I just couldn'd do it, I couldn't tell her what she needed to hear most. I couldn't tell her that for the past two hours I'd been here for - walking around and talking to everyone, I always saw _him_, Scott, I thought his name in disgust, making out with a bunch of different girls.

"Umm... That's great April, uh... I'll catch up with you later" I said quickly, turning my back on her and weaving my way back through the crowds of people.

"Laters Ness" I heard her call back.

****

**Wadda you think?**

**Please review!**

**There will be two more chapters which I will be posting within the next two weeks - hopefully so look out for them.**

**Thanks for reading my first chapter of not so perfect! Love ya all my little vampires!**

**Oh and P.S- what Ness said when she was saying bye to Jake was 'love you more dog'. (in french).**


	2. Crazy texting and throwing up

**Watching Eclipse while writing this - again for the sixteenth time! **

**Okay my little vamps, here's chapter two...**

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I started to feel a little bit lightheaded so I decided to go plunk myself on the dark blue vinyl couch in April's vast living room. I didn't think anyone would notice me, but unfortunatley someone did.

Arg. I could smell the alcohol on Scott's breath as he plonked down next to me.

"Heeey baaaby" he slurred, putting his arm around my waist and pulling me close to him.

It was obvious what he wanted to do next.

I swore under my breath and pulled away from him and quickly stood up. I guess I stood up way too quick because I had to grab the side of the couch before I fell over.

Scott reached over and slapped me on my butt and grinned. I grinned back and played along with him - just for a second - then slapped him across the face.

"Bitch" he muttered at me, then turned to the girl next to him.

I frowned and turned my back on him, looking for a quiet spot to sit. I made my way down the hallway and opened the door to the first bedroom and saw that two people had 'occupied' it; I backed out pretty fast, embarrassed by what I saw. Just like the first, the other two bedrooms were 'occupied' so I decided that the hallway would suffice.

I went and plonked my butt in front of a cuboard door and streatched my pale legs out in front of me.

I felt terrible by now. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck, like throwing up, dizzy, shivering and sweating, all at the same time. I tried to wrack my brain to try and come up with an explaination to why I was feeling this way but I could only think of three _very_ weird ideas;

Idea one: I needed to hunt, bad.

Idea two: someone spiked my drink.

Idea three: I was pregnant.

Okay, so idea one didn't sound very promising, and anyway, my throat was barley burning. Even though I hadn't hunted in a whole month, I've been learning to eat more human food.

Idea two? Probably

Idea three? Nup. Jake and I were always safe.

So back to idea two. I was at a party, I now noticed everyone looked drunk and I'd had six glasses of sprite; or so I thought. I swore under my breath.

Well, ther was no way Meg was going to drive me home, not in her condition. I glanced up and saw her dancing in the living room with some guy, drunk. I went through all the people I could text in my head.

Dad? No way, Grandpa? Nup, Mom? Nup, aunt Alice? Not today. I looked at my phone. Morning, I mentally corrected myself. It was one - fifteen in the morning.

Jacob, Jake? Jake? Jake?...JAKEY! Yeah, I would text Jake.

I chuckled to myself as I scrolled down my contacts, so this is what came with drinking for me, feeling like the dead, stupid ideas and swearing. I started texting Jacob and swore under my breath again as I also realised that when I was drunk I couldn't text very well. Jake was sure to feel the pull of the imprint when he got this text; _jake cbn u cvm ! get me nox._

Okay, so he's going to freak.

I slid my phone into my dress pocket and draped my hands over my stomach. Atempting to calm it down. Even though I knew it probably wouldn't work I hated throwing up. I'd thrown up ony once before; when I looked about six after eating an apricot. Apparently I was allergic to them.

Trying to concerntrate on rubbing your stomach turned out to actually be quite hard. Especally when you're drunk, everyone around you is drunk, and the music around you is deafening. My phone vibrated. Sigh. I fetched my phone from my pocket to see how Jake replied. _Whats wrong? im comin 2 get u now. love you._

I started to reply but before I got halfway through the first word I felt myself gagging."Shit" I squeaked before clamping my hand over my mouth and bolting to the bathroom, just in time to be sick.

"Arg" I groaned as I sat back down and started texting Jake again. _Sumonf spikd ny drnk._

I waited a minute before I felt my phone vibrate again. _K. love u. stay where u r. b there soon._

I snorted. Like I wouldn't stay where I was.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

It took Jake ten minutes to get to me, I was quite impressed, usually it took twenty minutes to drive to April's house. A wave of ectasy buzzed through me when I heard Jacob's voice calling my name.

"Ness?"

"I'm here Jake" I replied, trying my best to sound happy.

"Nessie" he breathed, running over to me and carefully picking me up bridal style.

"You look like hell Ness" he pointed out as he walked out the front door and we headed over to Jake's rabbit.

"I feel like hell" I stated as Jake carefully placed me in the car.

He chuckled, "Bella and Edward are gonna freak"

My head snapped up. "Do they know?"

"Everyone except your parents" he replied as he started driving.

I swore under my breath and closed my eyes, hoping to drift off to sleep.

"You're going to have the headache of your life tomorrow" Jacob commented.

"I don't care" I muttered sleepily.

"You will tomorrow" he protested.

"Shutup" I mumbled. Jake chuckled.

"Can you get drunk?" I asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Nup, our body heat burns it off too quick".

"And you found that out how?" I asked, snapping my eyes open and raising my eyebrows at him.

"Embry wanted to see if he could get drunk".

"Right" I answered.

My stomach started doing flips again so I started rubbing it. Jacob noticed.

"Does it hurt?" He asked me, worried.

"No, just uncomfortable, but it helps to rub my stomach".

Jake sighed, "you look really tired Ness".

"I am" I murmerd.

"Here" Jake said, "come sit on my lap".

Jacob slowed the car slightly as I undid my seatbelt and slid over onto his lap and tried to keep my modesty by pulling my dangerously short dress down.

"Thanks Jake" I murmerd as I snuggled into his warm chest and he rubbed my tummy.

Jake chuckled.

"You should really get to sleep Ness" Jake said just before I yawned.

"Mmm... Okay" I agreed, letting my eyelids flutter before I closed them for the night.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Ta Da! I finished chapter two!**

**I will be posting chapter three as soon as possible.**

**Now PLEASE click that little button that says 'review this chapter' coz when I get reviews I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.**

**Love ya my little vamps.**


	3. Hangover banners and dares

**So so sorry I have not updated latley, it's been a whole week...tragic, anyways on with the story, I promised you Emmett... so here he is...**

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It was bright, really, really, really bright. Like I was staring at the sun.

That's when the memories from the previous night kicked in.

"Morning baby! Time to rise and shine". A familiar husky voice called out.

My head pounded like someone was beating it with a hammer.

"Aw crap Jake, shutup" I moaned, burying my face in my pillow.

"No swearing Renesmee" dad shouted upstairs.

"Shutup" I groaned back.

I heard Jake chuckling so I un-buried my face and opened my eyes.

"What?" I groaned.

"You look so cute" he mused, coming over and sitting on my bed next to me, leaning his back on the headboard.

"Shut the hell up Jacob"

"Language" my father reminded me from the other side of the house.

"Arg" I groaned and smacked the pillow back to my face.

"Let me guess" Jacob asked, absentmindedly playing with a lock of my hair, "worst headache of your existance."

"You guessed correct" I mumbled.

"Where's my dress gone?" I asked, noticing I was now wearing my pajamas - a yellow singlet and lime green shorts.

"I threw it out Nessie" aunt Alice called up to me, "you trashed it".

"Aw, aunt Alice, I liked that dress".

"I'll get you another one".

"You will _not_". My dad interuppted.

"Please daddy, I won't wear it around you" I begged.

"That's exactly what I was afraid of Nessie".

Jacob chuckled.

"Can we just drop the subject now. My head hurts".

"Fine" dad grumbled.

Just then there was a knock at my door. I heard my whole family stifle a laugh - except for uncle Emmett.

"Crap" I muttered to myself half a second before uncle Em burst through the door.

"HAPPY FIRST HANGOVER!"

I groaned and sneaked a look at him before pulling the blanket up over my head. Yup. Sure enough he was jumping around the room holding a custom made banner over his head that read ' HAPPY 1st HANGOVER '. I also sneaked a look at Jake, who was laughing so hard I wouldn't have been surprised if his head fell off.

**o0o0o0o0o0o**

"Grandma?"

"Yes Renesmee?"

"While your're in the kitchen could you get me some ice-cubes and an ice pack?"

"Okay sweetie".

"Are you too hot?" Jacob asked me, getting ready to put me on the couch next to him.

"No, leave me here. It's just for my headache, I need somthing cold" I replied, lifting my head from his shoulder to look at him as I spoke.

Jacob was sitting on the couch in the main house and I was sitting on top of him with my pale legs stretched out on his russet legs. My back was to his stomach and he had his arms around me. Everyone else was sitting together, mom on dads lap, uncle Emmett with aunt Rosalie next to him, aunt Alice next to uncle Jazz on the loveseat and grandpa waiting for grandma on the same couch as us.

The whole family laughed. We were watching Dracula, and he just showed his fangs.

"Here you are Renesmee" grandma said, handing me the ice pack and three still frozen ice-cubes.

"Thanks grandma"

"Nessie, what exactly do you plan to do with those ice-cubes?" dad asked me, eyeing them in my hand.

I smiled slyly and let my thoughts flood my mind.

"Ah" he replied, trying to hide his grin.

Aunt Alice let out her trilling laugh.

"Jakey?" I asked sweetly, turning around and swinging my legs onto the couch.

"Yeah Ness?"

"Um... Look at that humming bird, isn't it pretty" I said, pointing somewhere behind him.

"Ness, there's not even a window behind me" he replied but he turned his head anyway. leaving just enough time for my hands to scrabble to the waistband of his cut-off shorts then the waistband of his boxers and drop the ice-cubes down the front of them.

"HOLY FRIGGIN HELL!" he screached, jiggling his legs around a bit.

The whole family started laughing uncontrolably.

"NO SWEARING" dad yelled.

Jake whipped his head around to look at me. But I was to quick for him, I had already hopped off his lap and was sitting next to him holding the ice-pack up to my head.

I gave him my most innocent smile.

For a second I thought he would be angry and my smile started to fade, but his broke into a big grin before it could fade compleatly.

"You should have seen your face" he chuckled.

"Not funny Ja..." but I didn't get to finish my sentance as Jakes lips pressed softly against mine.

Dad growled, "you know I have every right to kick the mutt outside right now".

I ignored him but pulled away from Jake.

"Tonight" I whispered and twisted my hand in his black t-shirt, "more of that tonight".

Dad hissed when Jacob cracked a smile.

"Get a room" uncle Emmett half - yelled.

I turned and grinned at him, "your turn" I announced.

"Crap" he muttered.

Jacob looked at me quizzically.

"Well, when you were in the shower uncle Em and I started daring each other..." I sighed and gave up speaking aloud so I placed my hand on his cheek and just showed him instead.

"Hmm... Interesting" he said once I'd finished.

"So anyway" I carried on, "my dare was to put ice down your pants and now I gotta think of a dare for uncle Em".

Jake lent down and whispered somthing in my ear.

"Hmm...Good, but not quite what I was looking for".

I rested my head on Jakes shoulder and pondered for a minute before coming up with something.

Dad smiled.

"Nessie, don't you think this could be kind of..." he paused, looking for the right word, "risky".

"Daddy" I replied, "it's uncle Em, it's _always _risky".

"This will not end well" aunt Alice muttered.

I rolled my eyes at her and then looked over at uncle Emmett. His massive frame was leaning forward, his eyes wide with anticipation.

"So..." I started, "I dare you..." I looked right into his wide golden eyes, "to see if you... can get...drunk".

His eyes jumped with excitment. My uncle _never_ backed down from a dare.

He grinned.

"Right" he anounced, jumping up and grabbing the keys to his jeep and running out the door.

"Where are you going?" I yelled to him.

"The botle shop!" he shouted back.

Aunt Rosalie groaned and Jake kissed my hair, then we all shifted our vision back to the movie, waiting for uncle Emmett to come back. Waiting for the crazieness to begin.

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**THE END.**

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**Aww it's finally finished, I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is the longest story I've written so far so I'm pretty proud of myself.**

**Love ya my little vamps!**

**Please review.**

**Shortevilpixie x.**


	4. Blonde haired beautys and vodka

**Extra! Extra! Extra!**

**You wanted it, you got it. This is just saying what Jake's first idea was and what happened to Emmett. This is not in my usual story form.**

**I do not own dracula, twilight, vodka, ferrari's, BMW's, jeep's or jackass 3.**

**K, love ya my lil vamps.**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

This is the dare Jacob suggeted to Nessie - " You could make him paint his jeep bright pink".

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

_What happens to Emmett..._

So Emmett goes to the bottle shop, gets seventeen bottles of vodka, drives back to the main house while drinking, by that time Dracula is over and the family is playing monopoly...

Emmett struts in, still not drunk and on his eight bottle of vodka, Emmett starts playing monopoly and Jasper starts playing with his emotions, causing him to start making out with Carlisle. _And,_ by that time Em is on his twelth bottle of vodka and starting to get a _little_ bit drunk.

Eventually Emmett finishes all the vodka and is just a tad drunk. Nessie wants to see her idiotic uncle _completaly_ drunk so she drives to the bottle shop in Bella's ferrari, the dude at the checkout reckons she's too young to be buying twenty bottles of vodka so Nessie calls Jacob.

But instead Rosalie comes, buys the alcohol, and she drives back in her BMW. Renesmee drives back in Bella's ferrari. The dude at the checkout - his name is Frank Crane - is left gazing after the blonde haired beauty who just bought the vodka.

So they get back home, Rosalie gives Emmett all the vodka, and while the teddy bear tries to get drunk Nessie and the rest of the family watch Jackass 3. Then, all of a sudden, Emmett starts cursing his mouth off and staggering around and laughing like a loony at the movie.

And that proves vampires can get drunk...Wait, that wasn't the point of the story...

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**Did you like it? Review, review, review!**

**Hey guys, I strongly suggest you do NOT do what Emmett just did, or Nessie... That means no trying to buy alcohol if you're underage, no drinking and driving, no making out with your father...that's just creepy, no drinking thirty-seven bottles of vodka...seriously don't even drink one, in fact, don't drink thirty-seven of anything.**

**Anyone know where I got the name 'Frank Crane' from? Anyone who guesses gets a vitual hug from Jacob...or Edward.**


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